This article I first wrote in a notebook, not long after my son passed away. This article I did not write for pay, it is an article that was written to help keep my sons memory alive, and also to encourage others to seek Christ.
I hope some of you will be encouraged, and will seek Christ.
Below is a link to the article, and because this is a non-exclusive article, I am posting the full article under the link.
This is a rather long article, but I encourage you to read it all the way to the end. This was a very difficult article for me to write.
http://voices.yahoo.com/the-last-day-voice-grave-631067.html?cat=10
This article details my son's last day. I've tried to use his voice as much as possible, people who knew him, said it does sound like him.
The Last Day, Voice from the Grave
The Last Cry Never Heard
Today, I awoke early, because today I was starting a new job, and starting college. But when I looked at the clock it was only 4am so I got a shower then laid back down.
But I was overly excited this day. Little did I know this would be my last day.
I had enrolled at the local college, not the one I chose, but it was something to do. This would enable me to eventually earn a degree so I could get a job of my choosing. I had decided I wanted to work as a historian at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC. So I would major in history.
I enjoyed history so this seemed like a good fit for me. I also wanted to become a writer; I had already started a rough draft for a novel I hoped to write one day. Sadly this I never finished.
Many things I wanted to do never would I complete or finish, because my life would be ended on this day, May 22, 2007. A little after 8pm. By a hit and run driver.
I was the oldest child in my family. I have three living brothers and one sister.
My brother closest in age to me is gifted in areas I always wanted to be but was not. He seemed to just be able to do a lot of things better than me. He made friends easily; he was able to learn different things faster than me. Everyone seemed to like him better than me. Or at least that is how I felt.
I was the quiet one of the family; I really did not like noise. Although sometimes when I would be upset about something I would start making annoying sounds just because. Because why, I really don't remember.
I was never a particularly easy child. Well I take that back, in some ways I was a fairly easy child if you liked your child to be quiet. I never really cried when I was a baby, unless something was wrong. Like I was hungry or something like that.
But I did have a mean streak at times. I remember when I wanted something I would make a huge fuss. There was the time that I really upset my grandmother and great grandmother. I would say I was about 2 or 3 years old.
What happened was my grandmother took me to the store to buy me a tricycle. Well she showed me the one on display; I really liked it a lot. So she was going to buy it I thought. But instead she was telling the man in the store to get a box for her. (At least that is what I thought at the time, I did not realize that a trike like the one on display was in the box, I just thought she was getting an empty box).
Now my grandmother had just told me she was buying me that trike, but instead she was getting a box. I was so upset that I started crying and screaming. I even tried to put both my hands in my mouth. I just could not understand. I was so upset. This also upset my grandmother so she told the man to put the box back and she would just take the one on display. My great grandma thought she should not get it at all, not after the commotion I had made. But I was my grandmother's first grandchild, which meant she got the one on display just to satisfy me.
But she would not let me play with it that day she made me take a nap when she got me home.
Life goes on, it's strange sometimes the things that you can remember. I remember a lot of little things like that. I remember that if I did not want to do something I would just make things hard, just because I wanted my own way.
My parents however were stubborn so I did not get my way with them as often as I wished. My mom would even make me clean house. And she did not care if I wanted to or not. She would even stand behind me holding my hands making me do what she wanted me to do, the right way. Oh, that would make me so mad.
But she wanted me to be smart, to know how to do things. She would not accept that I had some problems.
Now if I had been in a regular public school I would have been placed in a slow learners class. Not that I learned slow, but if I was not interested in something I would refuse to do the work. I did at times make life so hard. My mom would lose her temper at times. Because she would tell me I could do things or I was going to do this or that, whether or not I wanted to.
My mom's cure for not doing something right the first time was to do it over until I did get it right, this could mean my having to do the same assignment twenty times or more. If I then did it sloppy she would make me redo it. My mom was just as stubborn and hard headed as I was.
Repeating things over was helpful to me, because of the fact I was autistic. Not that I particularly liked doing the assignments or chores over, that mom assigned to me. But the repetition helped me to retain, and learn things.
Now when I got to be a teenager, I found out that not everyone had parents who actually made them do their chores and schoolwork. So being a teenager I figured if others my age were being given allowances and different things without having to first earn it, why should I have to earn things.
In fact I began to think I was entitled to have what I wanted when I wanted it. I even decided if I saw something that belonged to my dad or one of my siblings if I wanted it I should be entitled to it. About this time I was really being difficult.
Things had gotten to the point I thought I knew best about everything, so for a while things were just not so nice at home, to say the least.
Now a lot of things happened within a short period of time in my teen years. One major thing that happened is I finally realized one night at church when the pastor was speaking that I was a sinner.
That if I died and went to hell it would not be my mom's fault or my dad's or even one of my siblings.
When it really dawned on me that I could end up one day in the lake of fire. It really scared me. So when the pastor gave the invitation one night I sat in my seat and asked God to forgive me for my sins, and to home into my heart.
This was a changing point in my life. Now I did not change overnight. But I did change. I still struggled with the Asperger's, because salvation does not make that go away.
But as I said earlier my mom would not let me by with what others would have, had I been diagnosed at an earlier age. My mom nearly gave up at times, I am thankful she did not, for I was by no means easy. Even on my best days.
My mom figured out I was autistic when I was fairly young because of the way I acted. My mom even took me to the doctor's office requesting that I be tested to see if I really was. But the doctor just told my mom that I had a long attention span. I don't think they took my mom seriously.
So my mom took it on herself to learn all she could about different ways to help me. She read several of Glenn Doman's books. She did try to do a lot of the things he had in there. Plus she read to me a lot. And she made me do things whether or not I wanted to.
Sometimes I really did not want to. I know I caused her and dad a lot of stress. They even quit going anywhere several times just because they were tired of all the stress.
But as I started to say, I did finally get saved. But even though I was saved, sometimes I would still make life hard. But now I really wanted to do good, so I was not giving troubles every single day as I had been.
Now lest you misunderstand I need to tell you, that just because I did really get saved my problems with Asperger's did not go away. (I was officially diagnosed with this a few years before I died),
But now instead of doing some of the things I had previously, I found that exercise would really help me to control my emotions. I also found that certain things really bothered me a lot, so I decided that I would as much as possible avoid things that bothered me.
Now by this time my parents had gone through a lot with me and my brother. My mom had even nearly died, due to a late miscarriage. She lost the baby in July; it was due the early part of December. I believe my parents really wanted that baby. Mom kinda went into a depression after that, and started staying home more and more.
She did not even want to go out to church or anything, my brothers and sister however did want to go to church. So they let them go. My brother has many friends at church, and he ran the sound system. Even though I should not have felt as I did, I felt like in everything I was competing with him. So, I decided to distance myself a little.
I decided I would attend a different church, mostly so that I could start doing some things more on my own. By this time my parents were exhausted, they were just glad I was going to a good church. But told me they could not take me there, because of the transportation problems and cost. So I rode my bike, it was only a little over ten miles. I would usually get a ride home though. I also called home when I reached the church to let mom know I had arrived safely. I was always careful.
I also went to the library nearly every day. Because I loved to read, I also like to use the computer a lot. This also kept me out of the house and busy during the early part of the day. I would email or call home when I got to the library and when I started home. So mom would know I was okay. She always gave me a certain amount of time to call. Then if I had not called, she would call me, or the library or the YMCA. I also rode to the YMCA on a regular basis.
Besides the Asperger's I struggled with being jealous of my brother especially because he was so much better than I was, in everything. It always seemed like he could just do better at everything. That really bothered me a lot. Even though my mom kept telling me that we were different both of us had our own talents.
I did tell my mom once that it really bothered me that anything I wanted to do he could do it better, and he was younger than me. It did not help matters that we looked a lot alike. Enough so that if we were dressed alike and you saw us from a distance you would think we were twins. We were very close in age.
Well now I have told you some about me, there is lots more I could say, but I want to tell you about my last day.
My parents had grown tired, they had gone thru a great many things, plus my dad had just recently been diagnosed with diabetes. My mom was just recovering from pneumonia. We were as a family having many problems financially. My dad's job was closing down, the van was breaking down.
There was not enough money to pay the bills. We were eating a lot of bologna sandwiches, dad made too much for food stamps, but not enough to get everything we needed. So a lot of times things were hard. But we were making it, no one was starving, maybe we did not have everything that others did. But we were doing okay.
Also some things were starting to get better; my parents were even hoping to be able to find better housing. Because mom had found out she could make money writing for places like Associate Content. She had also started making crochet items to sell. Even setting up a website so she could sell the things she was making. She had told me that if I made some things I could also sell what I made from her site. I was interested in making items out of beads, I had also found I could make blankets by weaving; this was something I found was very relaxing.
Now my mom always thought I was smart, she wanted me to also start writing. She kept telling me that I needed to learn how to live on my own, because I was eighteen. She seemed to think that one day I would eventually be living on my own. Little did she know my days were numbered.
Mom was encouraging me in the creative arts because that is where my talents were. Things like writing, and crafts. I also had interests in music; I was able to play several instruments.
I have rambled as I think over what I did on my last day.
My last living day. I rode my bike out to the college. It was only a couple miles. I was used to riding my bike, I rode nearly every day seven and a half miles to the library, I road ten and a half miles to church.
So as I started to say, my last day, the day no one heard my last cry.
This is the record of what I did. First after my dad left, I read for a little while. (I really loved to read).
Then when it got close to time for me to go to the college, I got up and poured a bowl of cornflakes for me and mom, everyone else was asleep. I talked to my mom some, she told me to be very careful, it was still very early so it was a little foggy, it was a little cold that day.
Well I got to the school; I sent mom an email telling her I was okay. I could not call her because I had left my cell phone in South Carolina. (But that is another story)
So I went to my classes, then to the library. This time the college library, I wanted to check it out. I also checked out a couple of books. I would never get to finish these though. So after I spent some time at the library, I rode my bike home
I got home about the same time as my dad came home from work. He had gotten the van running, we were having so much trouble with transportation, it was awful, and then when we finally got transportation it was costing so much for gas that Dad would walk to work a lot of times. It was two miles to work. My brother and I we would ride our bikes where we had to go or walk. We rode everywhere, the YMCA, the store, the mall, to church, the library just about everywhere within a ten mile area.
Well, as I said I got home about the same time as dad. So we all got in the van to go pick up some medicine for mom. The doctor had called it in for her. I wanted them to buy me something to eat like a sandwich or something but they said they could not. I was hungry. I tried to get them to give me three dollars and nine cents to get a shake at Chic fi lay. But they said no. They only had twenty dollars left for the week. It was now Tuesday. Pay day was not until Friday.
So we went to Wal-Mart, my mom did get me a small notebook, it was only twenty five cents, she told me to write my schedules in that, because in addition to starting school this day, I was also starting a new job.
I would be working at Five Guys in the mall. I wanted to talk to my mom about something, but because we were in a hurry I did not get too. My dad was not feeling well. He said he would have to drop me off early at the mall, because he had to get my brother and sister to class, then he would be back to pick me up, when I got off work. So I told mom I would talk to her later that evening.
My parents were also in a hurry because they had to turn in their assignments. It was the first day of their semester too. Dad wanted to work towards a degree so he would be able to get a better paying job. At least that is what he said.
Mom told me to ask someone to let me use their phone if I got off sooner than expected. But I did not want too. Instead when I got off work, I decided to walk home. I had gotten off earlier than expected. So I knew it would be a little while before dad came to pick me up. I also knew I could make it home in about twenty minutes or so, because I was a fast walker. I had walked this road many times. I had no reason to believe that I would not reach home. This would also mean I would have time to talk to my dad by myself. Because I would ride with him to get my brother and sister.
Mom had asked me if I wanted to just stay home and not go to work, but I said no. Because I wanted to be able to do well, this was something I could do and I was going to do well. No one was making me go to school or to work. A lot had changed since the days mom was fighting with me to convince me I could do something and I would do something.
I had finally reached a point where I knew I had to do something. My mom told me that she did not care if the TEACCH center had said I could apply for disability because of the Asperger's. I was going to learn to work and do things so I could eventually have my own family. And do well in life. Mom believed in me.
It was because my parents refused to give up on me even when I was being difficult that I was even where I was on this day. You see my parents believed that with effort and hard work anyone could do just about anything, including me, Diagnoses or no diagnoses.
So I went in for my first day. Everything seemed to be going well at this point. I had relaxed some. I had went through the orientation. I was one of the first one finished. The day was ending well. It was still light outside. So I decided I would just walk on home, instead of waiting.
I had walked home many times before, from many different places. I had even walked home from the college one night after listening to a lady speak, who had survived the holocaust. I knew I would make it home I had no reason to doubt that I would be home soon. It was not that far, and I was used to walking. It was also daylight still not dark.
Plus I had remembered I had some change I could use to get some chips at the store. So when I had completed what I needed to and got my work schedule for Five Guys, I started home. I mean it was only two miles. And my dad walked this route often in the early mornings before daylight even.
So I made it across the highway. Then I walked into the Exxon station and picked up some chips, took them to the countertop, paid for these, then walked out. I saw several people, but did not really think much about anyone or speak to anyone. I was just thinking about getting home. I had several books I needed to read. I needed to make sure I was ready for my classes the next day. Plus I wanted to talk to dad about something.
I walked out of the parking lot. It was just a little after 8pm I knew my dad would not be expecting me to be off work until a little later. But since I had gotten off earlier than I expected I would just walk home. I would then be able to ride by myself with dad, so I could tell him about what I had been doing. Also this would give me some uninterrupted time with him. It seemed like every time I wanted to talk to dad or mom everyone else wanted to too. That would get on my nerves sometimes. But I understand now that life is just like that.
You never really get finished with everything you want to do. I wanted to tell my parents so much but kept waiting for the right time.
Well, as I said, I walked out of the parking lot of the Exxon station not knowing that I was on my last walk home. I walked past the carwash, the Shoco place, the mobile home place, turned the corner onto our road.
I was walking on the white line and in the grass as was my habit. As I walked I noticed all the things around me the trees, grass, houses, etc. It was the getting to be late spring, the sky was still bright it was a pleasant time of day, the sun was not shinning in my eyes and it was not yet dark. It was only a little after 8pm.
As I was walking I was snacking on the chips, then suddenly I was lying in a ditch. How I got there I never knew. My whole body was in pain. I knew I would die, if help did not come quickly, even if help came I knew I would die...
As I looked up at the sky, I knew I was going to die, if help did not come. So I called for help.... but no one came. I was fading fast I called again.... why would no one come.... why had someone just hit me with their car. It must have been a car how else could I be in this ditch, then I heard them back up and look.... I did hear them? Or did I? It's hard to say. Why are they not getting help....what happened??? Again I call for help...but this time my voice is faint. I hear someone talking....or do I???? Now, I hear them driving away.... why????? Why does no one come? I can't hold on much longer...I am sorry but I will have to go...No goodbye's can I say...
It is now getting dark. I can't hold on much longer, please someone help. I keep calling as I fade in and out of the shadows, now I hear dad's van surely he will see me... but no he does not he keeps going... now I hear him again.... dad I call.... but he can't see me, he doesn't hear me....then I know.
It he is looking for me but I am in the ditch under some bushes. He can't see me. I will never get to say goodbye.
Several more times I hear my dad go up and down the road he must be looking for me.... so I call out again. But no he can't see me, he doesn't hear me. He cannot see me. He is looking for me to be walking. But I am under the bushes in a deep ditch, I cannot move.
It is getting dark; I can't hold on, please God I pray let someone know that I am going to be okay. I can't breathe but its okay. I know where I am going. It will be okay, I will talk to my family again, just not today. It will not seem so long when we meet again, even if it seems long right now.
As I leave my body, I glance back, seeing my dad, my brother as they find me. I am sorry for your heartache.
I cannot come back to you. But I will see you again.
If you can hear my voice in your hearts remember to always trust God, put God first.
I tried to stay long enough to say good bye, but it's too late. I had to go...
Please remember my good days, remember I really did get saved. Please remember I love you. And to my brothers and sister please do well. I know you can. And I will await you here in heaven.
Remember to always trust God, even when it's not easy.
As I look out from heaven I will watch as you go about your lives, I will watch as you do all I cannot do, you have heard my final cry. Remember I loved you, and we will meet again.
My final wish for all of you is to do well, remember to pray for the one who killed me. You will have to learn to forgive him. As I already have. He is also someone's child.
Do not let my last cry be one that causes you to be angry; do not be haunted by what could have been. All of us have a time to go. It was my time.
One's haunted by death are those who do not understand that they can know where they are going. Do you know where you will be in eternity?
Live everyday as if it is your last.
This is written in memory of my son who was killed May 22, 2007.
He was 18 years old. He had over come many things.
Thankfully, he had also accepted Christ as his Lord and Saviour.
I would like to ask that if you read this and have never accepted Christ as your Lord and Saviour.
To give serious thought about where it is you will spend eternity.
Finally for those of you who are saved, and understand what I have said you need to really be praying for your lost loved ones, and lost neighbors.
Let Jonathan's death be a reminder that life is short, but eternity is forever.
I have forgiven the one who killed my son, I pray for him and his family, because if they do not know Christ they face a far worse future in eternity than I do, with the loss and pain from the loss of my son. I know one day I will see him again, I know that God allowed my son to die. My grief and pain is only for a season.
God makes no mistakes; this is why I trust that God knew what He was doing, when He allowed my son to die. My prayer is that my son will reach more people for Christ than he ever could of if he had lived.
No, my son was not perfect, but if he had of been he would not of needed a saviour. This is the same for each and every one of us that are alive today. For we have all sinned.
It is my prayer that through my son's death many will be reached for Christ.
Thank you for taking time to read this long article.
I dearly miss my son, I am forever grateful for the knowledge that he did finally get saved before he died.
I pray that if you are not saved, that you will take time today, to get that settled. We are not promised another breath, we all must die. Be sure you know where you're going, because you only live once in this world. But everyone will live somewhere for eternity, either heaven or hell.
I believe my son went to heaven, based on his testimony given by those who knew him. And because of the changes I had seen in his life.
This is my son's last cry from the grave, spoken by him through my heart.
I have as much as possible tried to use his voice.
Think about the words I have assembled together, this is a serious matter.
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